思い出
| Heather Sterling | missing you | May 1, 2013 |
good morning sweet girl... i had to start another day with out you boy is this so hard. i never thought i would miss someone as much as i miss you. lex i'm trying so hard to be strong and get threw this but it so so hard. i miss you so much. i can't believe it has been a month scence you left me. i can tell today isn't going to be a good day for me. i thought it was hard when i lost grandma but this is so much worse. everything reminds me of you and makes me wanna cry. i went to the house the other day and was putting some of your things in a tote so they don't get ruind and it was one of the hardest things to do because i thought if i left your room the way it was then it wasn't real. i didn't want anyone in there touching your stuff. i wanted to leave it the way you had it. your dad thinks that if rearranges the house it will be easier for me to be at home but what he don't realize is i will always be waiting for you to walk threw the door after school and always be looking in your room for you reading a book. it is so dang hard lex. i don't know what to do. i feel like sometimes i am going crazy cause i feel you holding me when i cry. i know your always with me but i would give anything to have you back here laughing with me and laughing at me when i try to be cool. i have to go to the cossayuna today to look at spots. i want you there with grandma and grandpa so they can watch out for you. kenz misses you like crazy to. we all miss you so much. ryan is being strong but he misses his big sister. daddy talks to you when he thinks i can't hear him and cries. he tries to be strong for me but it is so hard on us cause we want to be strong for each other and your brother and sister. we cried together in your room the other day. i am putting up some of your necklaces for McKenzie till she gets older so she can have a piece of you always. you know the blanket you were making at great grams? you almost had it done,she is going to finish it for you and give it to kenz for christmas from you. the christmas stocking you were making that is almost done she is giving it to ryan for his birthday. i think your birthday will be the hardest day for me. right now i feel like i am stuck in a very bad dream that i can't wake up from. people tell me that i look like crap and i don't even care. i know you would want me to go on but i just don't see how i can. my life has fallen apart. i don't like to talk to anyone because noone understands my pain. most people avoid me or i try to avoid them. they don't know what to say. some people ask me if i'm better now and i just stand there and think i can i be better now? i will never be better,i will always hurt and no be whole. i lost my daughter why would they think after a few weeks i would be better. i just don't understand and they don't understand. what people don't realize is it is way different losing your child compared to a friend,parent,grandparent or anyone eles. i lost a part of me a very big part of me. i know they are being nice and i am so thankful for that. remember last summer when we went camping in tie and hope went with us and we couldn't get her to eat anything not even candy bars. riding around finding fire wood. when we went fishing and you caught the first fish. playing cards under the dim light from the lantern. going to great escape and eating then your dad calling us right after we ate and wanted to go to pizza hut and have dinner,when we got there he ordered so much food and we were like ugh. but we ate a lil bit anyway. we brought so much food home. oh and don't forget me losing my phone the first 10 mins we were there and having to walk back to the rides and find it. we had alota fun that day. watching you,ryan,and hope go on that ride and then making me go on after. how you kept saying you were the only one not getting wet on that one ride then the water pouring on you that was funny. how much fun we had when we went to florida last year. how your dad and ryan didn't want to go on the hulk but me and you did. that was the best roller coaster ever. me and you standing in line forever just to ride it. the harry potter roller coaster's were fun to. the picture i have of the jurassic park ride that was fun to. you and your dads faces where priceless. i miss you always and forever babygirl.. ~love mom~
| Heather Sterling | letter to my daughter | April 27, 2013 |
so these last few days have been really hard for me lex. i can't stop thinking about you. i miss you more then anyone can know. i miss seeing your smileing face every morning. it is so hard for me to go to the school and get your brother and sister and not you. i see your friends and they hug me. i miss your hug. i miss you saying hey mom guess what? telling me your jokes,telling me about school,the books that you read and the ones that i have to read cause they are so good. you always going everywhere with me. you layin on my bed and watching criminal mind with me. fooling around and dancing in my room.you straighting my hair cause i couldn't do the back of my hair.playing softball in the yard with all of us.you running down the road while i walked cause i couldn't keep up with you.i don't think i will be going camping this year it just won't be the same without you.i'm trying to stay as strong as i can for everyone but sometimes it's just to much. everything i do i think of you. songs come on the radio in the car and i think of you and cry.i sit here and think of you all day long. my heart is so broken and it will always be broken. there is a huge piece of it missing. you are missing from my life. i hurt so. i know i will hurt untill it is my time. people say time heals everything but they are wrong cause 30 years from now i will feel the same as i do now. my heart will forever ache. you were my first child i gave up my life to have you. i will never regret being a mom at 14 because you were the best thing that ever happened to me. there were people that talked and said alot of things about me keeping you but i didn't care because it was my life. i knew god gave you to me for a really good reason. i was scared as heck but so happy. when you were born you were the most beautiful girl in the whole world.you have always been beautiful lexus. i will never forget when you started walking and climbing on things i thought i would have a heart attack. i didn't want you to ever get hurt. i have always been that way. i always tried to protect you from being hurt by boys and friends. i wish more people in this world were more like you. always thinking of everyone eles,helping people and not caring what everyone eles thought. you got that from me. sweetie i wish you would have talked to me and told me what was wrong. you know i am always there for you. you kids are my life always have been and always will be. i love you guys more then life its self. i would give my life so that you can be here. i love you babygirl so much. i miss you so much. you are always in my heart lexie lynn.i will always think about you. i will always miss you sweetie. i love and miss you 
love forever and always, mom
| christine land | So Many Memories | April 26, 2013 |
Theres so many memories i dont no were to begin, ur first breath, the smiles when we called u a glow bug becouse u had to lay on that light ,the first smile,the first time u said grandma,teaching u ur name and u saying sexey :) the time we spent togeather in georga, we would sit on the porch and wait everyday for the hummingbirds to come eat ur bedroom we made u were so proud of how big it was and always talked about it to all..i will never forget our bus trip home,ur first look at new york city ur eyes were so big..ur report cards that u were so proud of,ur baby brother u loved so much,then came ur baby sister,u loved so much..how u always meet me at my car with that big smile and my hug and kiss,u getting ur baby sister to love me..u would say ok my grandma and we would kiss and kiss she would get mad and would finaly give me a kiss to..oh theres so many things i cant list them all..you were always my angel..my heart is so heavy my tears will always fall.. i miss u my lexie..how will i ever not be looking for you at my car ..ur songs and ur dancing will forever be in my heart..ur pictures all over my house..holding ur mom as she crys..ur sister forever talking about all the times u spent with her ur brothers sad face as he hears us all talk..ur daddy is silent his heart is so torn he doesnt have words just tears that fall..ur family is so sad but again we have so meany memories that we have to smile at them all..shine ur light on us all from above like u did when u were here you touched so many lifes with ur big smile ur love for each of us will never fade away..r.i.p. my angel..as my tears will forever fall..kisses and hugs to u always as i look at the stars above u were grandmas star in life and i look forward to seeing u in heaven when god calls my name..u are my sunshine my smiles and i miss u baby girl ur forever in my heart..xoxoxo
| Heather Sterling | poem | April 20, 2013 |
In the silence Mom & Dad you hear me,
In the silence I am here.
In the silence you can feel me,
In the silence it is clear.
That my spirit hasn't left you,
I am just a thought away.
You can see me in the shadows,
Anytime you look my way.
Look for me in the sunshine,
And in the stars at night,
In the wind,trees,and flowers,
Everything that is in sight.
Talk to me, Say my name,
now that I am still here.
In my death I have a new life,
And one day it will be clear.
So talk to me and look for me,
In everything you do,for I really
haven't gone So far away,
I am really right next to you.
Lex, i miss you so much baby girl. i know you are always with me. i wish i could see your face and hear you laugh. i love you sweetie
In the silence I am here.
In the silence you can feel me,
In the silence it is clear.
That my spirit hasn't left you,
I am just a thought away.
You can see me in the shadows,
Anytime you look my way.
Look for me in the sunshine,
And in the stars at night,
In the wind,trees,and flowers,
Everything that is in sight.
Talk to me, Say my name,
now that I am still here.
In my death I have a new life,
And one day it will be clear.
So talk to me and look for me,
In everything you do,for I really
haven't gone So far away,
I am really right next to you.
Lex, i miss you so much baby girl. i know you are always with me. i wish i could see your face and hear you laugh. i love you sweetie
| Heather Sterling | Where to begin | April 12, 2013 |
where do i begin? when i was pregnant with you i had toxcema which gave me high blood pressure and i retained alotta water. i had to be in the hospital for awhile the doctors told your dad that one of us might not make it. i didn't care if i died as long as you were ok. when we first brought you home you would sleep all day and be wide awake all nite. i would sing twinkle,twinkle little star to you. when we would go out to eat you would start throwing a fit as soon as we got our food.when i had you i looked at life in a whole new light. you taught me so much. you have always had that big beautiful smile. you had the blondest curly hair and big blue eyes.i remember when you first started crawling and started walking it was so cute.i can remember every little thing about you. you loved playing in the little pool and playing outside. your first day of school was so hard for me and you had no worries. you said don't worry mommy i'll be back later. i told you to have fun and that i loved you and then i cried. i looked at the clock all day waiting for you to come home. you were the best thing that ever happened to me lex. i never thought i could love anyone so much till you came into my life.i remember when we told you,you are gonna be a big sister how excited you were and how you always wanted to hold your brother and hug and kiss him,then you when we found out we were gonna have kenzie you said i hope it is a girl so you could teach her all kinds of girly things. when she got big enough you wanted her in your room so we put her bed in there and you would say mommy kenz won't stay outta my stuff. well i will write more later baby girl. i love you always and forever sweetie
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